Thursday, March 31, 2011

Things could be worse. Oh, yes they can!!

Ever have one of those days when you feel like a total slob? Just gross and fat and horrible and not fit to be seen in public? A bad hair day on steroids?

Well, this is the story for you.

A few years ago, "Cops" used to be a favorite TV show that my sister and I would watch faithfully. It was one of those shows that, no matter how bad our life seemed on any given day, we could watch "Cops" and realize that life could be a whole lot more pathetic and awful. A real pick-me-up!!

The same is true for this story.

On Sunday, a 43 year old man in Ohio had to be - firstly - cut out of his chair in which his morbidly obese self had been seated for the past 2 years, then - secondly - cut out of his house.

He had been sat there so long, his skin had fused to the fabric. He was covered with feces and urine, and maggots. Yummy.

Not only that, but he was living with two people, one of whom was his girlfriend - his girlfriend, mind you - who had been feeding him all this time.

What is with these stories?!?!?!

A few years ago, there was the story of the woman in Kansas who had been sat on a toilet for years. At least she had the decency to anticipate needing "to go" from time to time.

I think it's fair to assume a high degree of mental illness is at the forefront of these stories. That would explain the behavior of the sitters. But, what about the people who are living with these people day in and day out? Feeding them? In the bathroom?!?! For TWO YEARS?!?!

Come ON!!

The community is now clamoring to get answers to how this could happen. It's hard to imagine, really. The landlord said, "...he was always sitting under a blanket." Well, landlord, I house-sat for two cats, who I left for two days, and the stench from the kitty litter after two days nearly knocked me down when I returned. Two years worth of pee and poo in a literally maggoty chair is not going to be masked by a blanket, even if it's a blanket made out of Bounce sheets. The smell of ammonia once you got in the driveway would have been enough to raise red flags, I'm pretty sure.

Landlord did have a kind of point, though. When you rent to adults, you figure they know how to... well... live some kind of a normal life.

I really have to wonder at the girlfriend, though. I mean, really. After he sh*t in the chair for the first time, didn't she find that a little off-putting? Didn't she have a moment where she chose to rethink the romance?

I'll tell you this, if Colin Firth, who I adore, decided to sh*t in a chair in my home, my infatuation would come to a screeching halt, no question. End of story. Just once.

I wonder did Chair Guy get the idea from Toilet Girl? Was he looking for his 15 minutes of fame? Was he figuring he could do this, and probably write a best-selling book at the end of it?

Sadly, we will never know his motivations. It was reported Wednesday night that he had passed away. I have to believe he's a happier man today, wherever he is, than he was a week ago. Having skin fused with the waste-covered chair, and swatting away your own maggots has to be a pretty hellish existence, even for a nut.


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